Updated: Jul 29, 2019
I found the bare bones for this list scribbled in a notebook when I was flicking through my archived stash on the shelf. Judging from the cover stickers on the book it's from a couple of years ago, I can't remember writing it but I was clearly a bit pissy about something. Probably seeing someone put a spendy leather handbag in the sand...
On careful re-reading I reckon it all still holds true, especially the supplementary rule.
Who among us hasn't gone through the first day back at work with, (possibly still sandy) bikini bottoms under their corporate attire?
1. Nothing that can be construed as a proper handbag on the beach. You're not on the town or interviewing for a job and everyone's vision is too blurry with melting sun cream to see the brand. I cannot overstate this enough.
2. No long red fingernails. Toe nails, (but not long obvs) are a different matter. If I have to explain this you are not welcome on my beach. In another life I will stand guard duty on the slip way to clip stray talons short and paint them in dreamy colours called Dune and Shell. This will immediately imbue the wearers with the ability to surf and they will cease to care about their bikini body because, you know, skillz.
3. No shoes that cannot get wet
4. Nothing you can’t carry in one bag. And don't think I can't see that additional pack with any amount of 'just-in-case' STUFF you've just sneaked onto your back.
5. No make up. Sometimes I get close to allowing mascara, but really? Just no.
6. No whining. Unless you get properly body slammed by a wave. Or tread on a Weever fish. The latter trumping ever other solicitation for sympathy AT ANY TIME.
7. No skinny jeans or tight clothes. The struggle to pull anything on over a slightly damp body will reduce you to tears after three hours in the surf. The exception being...
8. ...a tight-but-super-stretchy Sweaty Betty, (other brands are available) vest that goes on so much easier than a bra and just about holds everything in place underneath a baggy fleece for the walk home.
9. Fleece. Yes yes, killed by a million terrible iterations but get a good one and it weighs nothing, is dry in two seconds and can easily be pulled over a wet cossie for instant warmth.
10. Hammam towels. Don’t pick up sand, weigh nothing, dry fast. Bantham Swoosh finishers get one instead of a t-shirt, which is genius. Why yes, I have done the Swoosh, thanks for being a little bit jealous. But don't wait for next year, buy one. Google is your friend.
Supplementary Rule : wearing bikini pants as undies when you haven’t done post-hols laundry is perfectly acceptable.